Or, as I like to call them, “The Academy of Bloated and Hopelessly Tunnel-Visioned Geriatrics" Awards.

Didn't watch it, but the results are in. Yawn.


1. The “Goodbye, It’s Been Swell” Award
“The Sopranos” for the best drama. Not that it isn’t a decent show. But they nominated it every year, and every year it lost to something the geezers at the Academy were more comfortable with. This was their last chance, and, honestly, pitted against the laughably weak “Grey’s Anatomy,” muddled and hampered by frankly awful writing “Heroes,” the joke of a “drama” “Boston Legal” and same old “House,” what else was there to vote for? It isn’t as if “Friday Night Lights” or “Battlestar Galactica” – just to name a couple -- were on last year or anything.


2. The “They Have Alec Baldwin and That’s Funny” Award
“30 Rock” for the best comedy. Yeah, I know, it’s not the worst one out there. It’s certainly not the worst one nominated. That honor goes to “Three and a Half Men.” And all things considered, it was a toss up between them and “The Office” (which is the more consistently funny and better overall acted show). I know they say “30 Rock” had that “classic” “Mary Tyler Moor”/“Taxi” feel. To me it spells “old fashioned.” Which is not a terrible thing. And Tina Fey is a good writer. But it being the best comedy on TV right now? Meh.

Incidentally, I fully expect “The Flight of the Concords” not to be nominated next year. Because a truly funny stuff that’s off-kilter and unusual – unless it’s helmed by a “name” (like, say, Ron Howard) – will fly by the academy like a concord.


3. The “We Are Senile and Enjoy Inexplicable Redundancy” Award
James Spader for best actor in a drama. Yeah. There are hardly words.


4. The “Connie Britton is Too Obscure to Nominate” Award
Sallie Field for best actress in a drama. I would like to say that I have never watched a single episode of “Brothers and Sisters,” what with it running against something else I watch and having Calista Flockhart as the lead (plus I get stomach cramps just looking at Rob Low). So, for all I know, SF kicked overhyped Kyra Sedgwick’s, ever-present Mariska Hargitay’s, barely noticeable Patricia Arquette’s, very noticeable but rather always the same Minnie Driver’s, and “enough already!” Edie Falco’s asses this year.

But you still can’t convince me that she was better, stronger, subtler and more powerful than Connie Britton.


5. The “Thank God It’s Not That Monk Guy Again!” Award
Ricky Gervais for best actor in a comedy. This one actually made sense. “Extras” was hysterical. And his only competition was Steve Carell, whom I love from way back when he was on “The Daily Show.” But I am okay with Ricky. (And how come “Extras” weren’t nominated in the comedy category?)
And thank you, again, for not giving it to Tony Shalhoub! His shtick got old 3 years ago. Not to mention, “Monk” is painfully unfunny. And I don’t even have the words for seeing Charlie Sheen in this category. Urgh.


6. The “Lauren Graham Who?” Award
America Ferrera for best actress in a comedy. I have nothing against her. She is good and the show is mildly amusing if over-the-top and taken way too seriously. And Felicity Huffman is and always will be the best actress in this category. Though “Desperate Housewives” did her no favors last year. But how about, instead on nominating the same “Old Christine” every time, picking someone actually funny, if not as well publicized? Though, God knows the ship for good comedic choices has sailed a few years ago.


7. The “It’s Too Many Of You Out There and We Can Barely Remember The Few Show’s Titles As It Is” Award
Katherine Heigl for best supporting actress in a drama. Now, she is not bad, don’t get me wrong. But better than Sandra Oh? Meh. And, for goodness sakes, there were other shows this year besides “The Sopranos” (does Lorrain Bracco even do anything anymore?) or “Grey’s.” There are certainly better performances out there. But hey, it’s the Emmys. It’s not about acting at all.


8. The “What’s That ‘Subtlety’ Thing You Speak Of?” Award
Jamie Pressly for best supporting actress in a comedy. Again, she does a competent job playing against the type …. Ahahahahahahaha!!! Sorry, I can’t do this. Snort. Yes, she does well. But better than Jenna Fischer? Sigh.


9. The “Obligatory Old Guard but Thanks for Not Making It Shatner Again” Award
Terry O’Quinn for best supporting actor in a drama. I don’t watch “Lost.” But I have seen Terry O’Quinn in gazillion things and he is always, invariably playing the same type of character. The same way. He is awfully good at it, and kudos and all for filling a niche, but award-worthy? Then again, it could have been worse. It could have been Shatner yet again for playing the same gasbag for years now. Or Masi Oka, who is misplaced here, because if he belongs on any ballot, it’s in the comedy category. Which brings me to …


10. “We Love Neurotic But Don’t Get Deadpan” Award
Jeremy Piven for best supporting actor in a comedy. Again, could have been worse. Could have been Jon Cryer. Should have been Rainn Wilson. At least the dude brings on the laughs. But man this category makes me livid for missing, yet again, John C McGinley. As Dr. Cox would have said, “people are bastards. Bastard-coated, bastard-filled bastards.” ‘Nuff said.

There were other amusements. “The Office” won the best writing, but not the best comedy. “Battlestar Galactica” and “Lost” were nominated for the best writing but not for drama series. Because writing is completely unimportant, people! Snort. And I could go on, but I won’t.

All in all, it was the usual “Who Gives A Flying Kite? We’re Here to Judge Fashion!” annual event. So glad I missed it!

And speaking of being glad to miss something, was that Kristen Bell wrapped in a hospital sheet, sitting in the front row with Masi Oka and blocking the actual cast of “Heroes”? Because that was comedy gold!




Sure, I haven’t filmed a single episode of “Heroes” yet. And sure I have no reason to sit here in the front row, pushing Hayden Panettiere to the back. And okay, those are the dog pee stains on the hem of my dress. And yes, my dress looks like the sheet they wrap dead bodies in at the morgue. Also, the same color. But don’t you get it?! I AM PHOTOGRAPHED!!! WITH ACTUAL FAMOUS PEOPLE!!! I’VE ARRIVED! WHEEEE! COATTAILS!!!! WATCH ME SMUG MY WAY INTO THE PARTY!

Urgh. I need a drink.